Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Finally!
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-