[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.