Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Support your local cemetery
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.