This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
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Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.