If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
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no one likes gloating
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey