Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.