Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
What my back needs
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
He took my last fry, your honor
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude