today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.