If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
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“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
when someone rings the doorbell
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.