You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
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my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?