You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
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There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.