I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.