[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.