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i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.