My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
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Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.