If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Always the camel, never the toe.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.