SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Proctology is located in A55
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
A game married people play.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️