how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
βΆ πββββββββ 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
βΆ πββββββββ 74:36:15
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I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we donβt have a dog.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I keep every love note Iβve ever written because one day Iβll have grandchildren who will find them and itβll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
If my dude is messaging you.. heβs your dude..
Keep. Him. π
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair β¦. So I got that going for me.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid Β£1m per year from now on.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: Thereβs not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Always leave them wanting their money back.