Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
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Dishonest mechanic?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*