customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
You Might Also Like
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
i dont have time for this
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.