She puts the hot in psychotic
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Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.