If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
<- sleeps well with others
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Never ghost your hitman.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
#TopTip
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.