I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
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Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
A short story of betrayal: