Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
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they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?