[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
You Might Also Like
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?