Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.