I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.