As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
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Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.