On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
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*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.