wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
You Might Also Like
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Happy Halloween 🎃
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
she has a point