Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?