Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[shakes fist at other fist]
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.