*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
You Might Also Like
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary