My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.