I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
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horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Pandas 🐼🖤
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that