Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
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My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Eat…
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
BRO LMFAO
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant