me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Best spot.. 😅
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Bobby pin
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.