How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
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*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.