older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
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Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Waiting for the Charmin
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.