my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.