Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
“What?”
– Jude
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Midwest trash talk
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked