My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
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why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining