My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
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What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*