Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
beware of dog
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad: