I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.