*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
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houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.