I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Best table by far
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
From Facebook just now…
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat