[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
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Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.