I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
When your parents check you’re ok.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever