I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
adam and eve had first world problems
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.